“Take it you’re going to like it,” said the raspy voice. The frail man extended his hand over the counter handing me an orange cheese crumble. I was in Pittsburgh, at some famous Italian deli, and not expecting a “free sample.” For some reason, I’ve always been suspicious of “free samples.”
Questions swirled through my head. “Was he wearing gloves?” “Will I like it?” “Why am I having this dilemma now?” A millisecond later, I took the plunge and placed the offering into my mouth. And was I glad that I did! That tiny piece of cheese is one of the most flavorful morsels I’ve ever had the privilege of eating.
The brand is Beemster, available at Nugget market. Beemster has since become my go to cheese and has been embraced by my friends and family alike.
The cheese blew my expectations out of the water, in a good way. I love when things work out like that! Unfortunately, expectation can also lead us in the other direction.
Personally and in my work with clients I have experienced the influence our expectations have on life and our relationships.
Have you felt sad or overwhelmed because you expected to get more done in the day and was actually accomplished? How about feeling disappointed after something failed to measure up to how you thought it would be? I know I have. What we expect from ourselves, others, and the world profoundly impacts how we experience life.
Feeling tired, sad, taking oneself too seriously, and not enjoying life are consistent symptoms associated with depression. When symptoms persist long enough they become surprisingly expectable. Simply put, people suffering from depression know what to expect each day and often hope for little more; they feel hopeless.
At the same time, everyone has a need for stability. We want some idea of what to expect especially in new situations. Movies such as What to Expect When You’re Expecting and Great Expectations play on this theme. Knowing what to expect is important but the reality is is not so clear cut. Its impossible to gain 100% certainty in our daily lives and anxiety exploits this truth.
Many people under the grip of anxiety tend to over-worry about the “what if’s.” Generally, worry vanishes when we have covered the worst case outcomes good enough or if we believe we can cope with what may happen.
With generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), it’s not always what one is worrying about but more the pattern of thinking that becomes a problem. Worrying continually about every negative outcome or catastrophe leaves little room to live. A pervasive pattern of worry generally leads to avoidance in the form of giving up more and more of life in order to “stay safe.”
Pervasive worry impairs interpersonal relationships since significant others may find it stressful or exaggerated. Hopefully, they are compassionate and can articulate their feelings rather than attack yours. Rigid worry patterns are a game without an end. As soon as your mind has covered the “worst case fantasy” a new one pops up since few things in life are 100% certain and things can change at any moment.
If you identify with any of the above it’s okay, most people do!!! Here are a few practical strategies for using expectation to your advantage.
- If you’re not accomplishing what you expected: Try exploring alternative “non personal” explanations for why this is happening. A list can be helpful. Ex. “No one wants to pick up dog droppings/it smells/it’s gross” vs “I am so lazy I can’t even clean up after my dog.”
- If you are self critical (unrelenting expectations of self): Ask yourself, “What is the purpose of constantly getting down on myself? What am I expecting and how often does the expectation become a reality?”
- Consider lowering your daily expectations to increase your daily accomplishments. 1/1 is better than 1/18. The closer you are to 1 the better (yes, I stole this from famous psychologist William James).
- Explore the origins of your expectations. Discover what they revel to your unique value system. For example if you worry about safety when driving, you value your physical health.
- Preform an expectations audit to evaluate if increasing or lowering your expectations may be helpful. Better yet, consider maintaining expectation flexibility!
- Use the Nike approach: Do or try something just to do it, without expectations or a demand for results.
- If you find yourself worrying excessively consider “catching yourself” in the process. Ask:“Is this a real threat or the mindless noise of anxiety?” If it is the mindless noise of anxiety could you postpone the worry until a later time? Can you schedule worry?
- Try increasing your capacity to tolerate uncertainty. Pick small situations to sit with the uncertainty without reacting to it.
- Clarify why not knowing what to expect is such a problem. For example, intense anxiety around “trying new restaurants” may be related to a fear of “looking incompetent when ordering.” You could then address what to do if you “looked incompetent” and then feel the freedom of trying new places. What if you tried new restaurants only to discover you never appeared incompetent or that everyone has had that fear? Would it change your expectation?
If your relationships, career, or sense of self is greatly suffering please consider psychotherapy with a licensed clinician who is component in the areas reverent to your situation. Therapy can help but you probability expected I would say that! Till next time…….
In my next post, I will explore how experience creates a lens of what we expect in our most important relationships and how that lens directly impacts the quality of relationships.